How to talk to your older children about love and relationships

Did you know that according to a recent Harvard study, your young adult children wish they could talk to you about romantic relationships?  It comes as no surprise to Dr. Alexandra Solomon, that 70 percent of 18-25 year olds want guidance from their parents about the emotional aspects of relationships. 

Dr. Solomon is a licensed clinical psychologist and the Professor of Marriage 101, the most popular class taught at Northwestern University, and one that I wish all of our children could take.  We interviewed Dr. Solomon to find out the best ways to engage with older children by having these crucial conversations.

The idea that if you just find the “right person” everything will work out is a myth that needs to be busted.  Dr. Solomon believes that a big part of successful long-term relationships is learning to “be” the best partner instead.  This involves understanding the messages you have received from your upbringing, and as part of her class, each student is required to interview one of their parents and write a Love Template Interview paper.  Your child, for better or worse, picked up on all sorts of messages growing up from you, peers, schools, and the media.  However, your child is really looking to you as a trusted adult, to help them become successful in their relationships.  Through inter-generational dialogs you will be helping your child successfully navigate the complicated world of relationships.

How to Begin:

If your family has never discussed emotions before, it is important to start slowly.  In fact, it is best to view this as an ongoing dialogue and not a one-time conversation.  One approach is using this article as a launching point.  For example, you may want to tell your child about the class at Northwestern and see if you can get the ball rolling. 

Use this as an opportunity to practice your shifting role as a parent.  Dr. Solomon says that this is a time of transition from “authority figure to fellow-traveler” which is often challenging.  For conversations surrounding love and relationships, “standing shoulder to shoulder and looking at questions of modern love” is the most effective method.

Some Ground Rules:

Be curious and open and come from a place of gentleness.  When you share both what you are proud of along with what you have struggled with, you are humanizing yourself, which many older children find liberating, according to Dr. Solomon.

Dr. Solomon says to avoid language like “good and bad” or “right and wrong.”  Instead use language including “this is what I find to be difficult” or “here is what I did not know when I was twenty that I understand better now.”

Why parents avoid conversations about relationships?

-Hey, I’m no expert!

Just like having conversations about sex can scare many parents, conversations around love may be even scarier.  Dr. Solomon wants you to know that you do not have to be an expert, just willing to be open to discussions.  Some parents may feel that they have failed at their relationships and find themselves divorced or in an unhappy relationship, but Dr. Solomon advises that honest conversations about what went wrong can be just as useful.  This is especially true for young adults from divorced homes.  Often they are given no explanation or a very narrow narrative, where both parents villainize each other. This leaves adult children to surmise that there is only a victim and a perpetrator.  They are often relieved to discover, through conversations with parents, the often nuanced and complicated nature of relationships. 

-Relationships are so different in the “hook-up culture”– How can I even relate?

While every generation has differences, there are many truths that remain consistent.  While the media has made a huge deal about Millennials and the hook-up culture, recent data shows that the current generation is having less sex than those before them.  At first glance this is a relief to many parents and there are benefits, such as a decrease in pregnancy rates.  However, less young people are involved in relationships than ever before, and may be avoiding “catching feelings” because they feel ill-prepared for the vulnerability that entails.  While things may be different than they were for you while dating in the pre-Tinder era, young people are looking to build the skills necessary to sustain a successful relationship.

Comparing and contrasting generational differences, is a great opportunity.  Young people are aware that things are sometimes lacking and are curious about how it was back in the days when you actually spoke on the phone.  Solomon cautions about referring to “the good old days.”  She says its a wonderful opportunity to share your wisdom about flirtation and seduction that often gets lost in the swiping process these days.  Young adults can find new ways to blend the old with the new, as they learn about your experiences too.

Ok, I’m convinced, how do I do this?

• Speak from Love NOT Fear

Speaking only from a place of fear is one of the main reasons that sex education, at home and in schools, has failed many generations.  Often sex education is based only on teaching fear-based curriculum including fear of pregnancy and STDs, porn addiction and sexual assault, leaving no room for the equally important side of sex involving pleasure, emotions, and feelings.  Do not make this mistake when discussing relationships.  It is natural to want to protect children from the pitfalls we have experienced, including the pain of a broken heart.  However, Dr. Solomon encourages parents to discuss the positives of relationships as well and talk from a place of “love, hope and optimism” when it comes to relationships.  Fear-based conversations alone, will be just as ineffective as sex education that relies solely on these negative tactics.

• Do not give advice

The purpose of these conversations is not to lecture your child.  In fact, this will most likely be ineffective and be counterproductive.  Dr. Solomon says many parents make the mistake of imagining that their role in these conversations “is to advise and to help kids avoid making “mistakes.””   Instead, listen intently to what is being said from a genuine place of curiosity.  In love, there really are no right answers and your child must grapple with finding the path that is right for them.  This may look different from your experiences.  By listening and engaging, you are allowing them to find their own truths.  You can offer your experiences, observations, hopes and concerns, but most importantly Dr. Solomon says you are offering your “humble and curious presence” which can be instrumental for your child’s growth. 

-That being said, if you want to give advice ASK first?

Dr. Solomon advices that you ask first to show that you are respecting the evolving boundaries in our parenting roles as our children grow up.  She says that our role as the boss is changing to that of a consultant, and the realm of relationships is a great way to practice this.  Most likely, your child will be open to advice, especially when treated respectfully.

Here are some questions you can grapple with together:

According to recommendations based on this Harvard Study, helping your young adult understand the difference between mature love and other forms of intense attraction is useful.  They recommend using these questions as a way to open dialog and get the conversations started, “Adults might puzzle through with teens and young adults questions at the core of learning how to love and develop healthy relationships:”

• What’s the difference between attraction, infatuation,and love?
• How can we be more attracted to people the less interested they are in us?
• Why can we be attracted to people who are unhealthy for us?
• How do you know if you’re “in love?”
• Why and how can romantic relationships become deeply meaningful and gratifying?
• How do they contribute to our lives?
• How can the nature of a romantic relationship and the nature of love itself change over a lifetime?

Questions by Dr. Solomon for Parents and Older Children to Discuss:

• What have you learned along the way about dating?
• What have you learned along the way about marriage?
• What have you learned along the way about love?
• What have you learned along the way about handling differences and managing conflict in an intimate relationship?
• Do you still believe in the institution of marriage or do you think marriage is becoming obsolete?
• What is the role of sex in an intimate relationship?
• How do you define soulmates? Where does that definition come from?
• How have people’s attitudes about love changed from when you were a kid until today?
• What do you feel are the essential ingredients for success in a healthy intimate relationship? (Ask for details about why each of these ingredients is important)
• What is your philosophy about intimate relationships and what makes them work?  
• Think about friends, family, or people you know who have particularly good relationships and think about those whose relationships do not seem as happy. What do you think are some differences between these two groups of relationships?  
• Have you ever gone through a “bad” breakup? What helped you recover from it? What did your broken heart teach you about yourself? About love? About life?
• Do you see any common themes or patterns in your romantic relationships? If so, what?
• What have you learned from your previous relationships?
• If you are in a relationship now, how would you say your past relationships compare to your current relationship? Similarities? Differences?
• What is your life like today?
• What are your passions?
• What are you happy about?
• What are your fears?
• What would you like me to know about you?

The takeaway:

The goal is to open a dialogue that can be informative and even healing for your family.  This is not about lecturing or blaming, but about connection and trust building.  Your growing child wants and needs this from you.  Obviously, this is not a one-time conversation, but hopefully will be the beginning of an ongoing dialog.  You can do this, and I am confident that you will be glad you did! Dr. Solomon’s book Loving Bravely is a wonderful resource for both parents and older children alike!

Please share you thoughts below?  Is this something you want to try?  If you have tried it, how did it go?