Are you wondering how to improve your sex life now that the empty nest years are here? If so, you are not alone. After decades of parenting, many long-term couples enter the empty nest looking to enhance or rekindle their sexual connection.
An active sex life not only improves marital satisfaction, but studies have shown that it can boost physical health, work productivity, and may even increase longevity. The advantages are clearly far reaching, and I am confident we would all like to reap the benefits. To find out how, we contacted seven leading sex therapists and asked them this question:
What is your best sex advice for long-term married couples in the empty nest phase?
7 top sex therapists share their insightful answers with us!
1. Sarah Hunter Murray is a relationship therapist with a PhD in Human Sexuality. She is the author of the new book “Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex & Relationships” You can out more about Dr. Murray here.
“Start from scratch by asking yourself what you might like to try now”
While children bring joy and countless amazing moments to our lives, most parents also point to the advent of children as the time their romantic relationships and sex lives took a backseat. A lot (if not all!) of us went from being a unit of two who could go on fun dates and have spontaneous sex, to being too sleep and time deprived to be creative or energetic when we had sex, if we could even find time to have it at all. But being an empty nester provides a unique opportunity to reconnect with our own sexuality and with our partner.
My best advice? Treat your empty nest as an opportunity to re-learn what you and your partner like in, and out, of the bedroom. Couples can get complacent as a relationship becomes long-term, falling into familiar routines, especially when there are kids that demand our energy, creativity, and emotional resources. Don’t assume that what you were into before (or, perhaps more accurately, what you could find time for before) is what would be the most sexually satisfying now. As we get older our preferences and interests can change, and with children no longer in the home, what we have time for changes too. Maybe we used to like having morning sex, but kids jumping on our bed at 6am made that no longer an option. Or perhaps we were used to finding quick pockets of time to be intimate here and there between hockey practice and sleepover parties, but now there is time to plan an intimate dinner with wine and lots of foreplay. Start from scratch by asking yourself what you might like to try now. And make sure you ask your partner what they might be into that they haven’t yet shared with you too. We change and grow as as we get older and so do our sexual preferences and interests.
2. Dr. Laurie Betito is a clinical psychologist with a specialty in sex therapy, and has been a practicing psychotherapist for close to 30 years. She is the author of The Sex Bible For People Over 50: The Complete Guide to Sexual Love for Mature Couples. You can find out more about Dr. Laurie here.
“Above all, be playful!”
Enjoy the freedom to let loose! Have loud sex, experiment, have sex in different areas of the house, get some sex toys (and no need to worry about your kids finding them). Above all, be playful! Recall how you were together in the beginning and reminisce. If it has been a while since you have had sex, start slow, as if you have just started dating again. That means lots of making out, cuddling, hand holding. This will help you to reconnect and will make getting back into lovemaking less awkward.
3. Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex therapy. She has several online programs including The Passion Project: A Couples’ Blueprint To Rediscovering Desire And Reigniting The Spark. You can find out more about Vanessa here.
“Now’s your chance to make a ton of noise!”
The empty nest phase is a wonderful chance to rediscover each other! It can be challenging to have a passionate and active sex life with kids in the house, so this is your opportunity to find your spark again. I definitely recommend using that extra space, energy, and privacy to re-prioritize your sex life. Talk about your favorite sexual memories with each other, and how you can have that kind of sex again.
I also recommend getting creative with your location, timing and the level of noise you make. So many couples with children force themselves to have quiet sex in their bedrooms, late at night when the kids are asleep. Now’s your chance to make a ton of noise! Play your favorite sexy music, talk dirty to each other, or moan all you want. Keep the bedroom door open, or have sex in a totally different location in your house! Have sex in the afternoon, or first thing in the morning. Enjoy your new freedom!
4. Laurel Steinberg PhD, is a NY-based clinical sexologist and relationship therapist. You can find out more about Dr. Steinberg here.
“Can the ante be upped to get to better than fine?”
My best sex advice for couples in the empty nest phase is to take a fresh look at their sex lives to assess function and satisfaction. If everything is fine, can the ante be upped to get to better than fine? Has sexual dysfunction (such as vaginal dryness or erectile dysfunction) gone unattended to? These, along with other dysfunctions that are commonly experienced in Act 3 of life, can be the reason for the slowing or altogether stopping of a couple’s sex life. However, there are simple techniques that they can use to get around any and every issue. Talking with one another and then with an expert who specializes in sex can help couples get their sex lives back on track, which will help them reconnect and get to enjoy one another in the most special way after their main focus (the kids) have left the nest.
5. Dr. Marianne Brandon is a licensed psychologist, Fellow of the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health, and Diplomate in sex therapy. She is the author of several books including Reclaiming Desire. You can find out more about Dr. Brandon here.
“Remember that you are making love to a human being”
I love this question because maintaining an active, satisfying intimate life as the years pass is soooo good for your general well-being, your body, and your relationship. And unfortunately, as we become more oriented toward communication via technology as opposed to in person, intimate connections can suffer. My best advice is to remember that you are making love to a human being. A person who longs to feel close to you, to feel accepted and loved by you, to feel genuinely cared for by you. These are probably the greatest gifts we can give another human being. Remember that you can inspire those feelings in the way you touch; the way you look at your partner; and the words you chose while love-making. In these ways, you hold your partners heart in your hands. In these ways, you create the moments that sustain us.
6. Angela Skurtu is a Missouri Licensed Marriage Therapist and Nationally Certified Sex Therapist through AASECT. You can find out more about Angelea here.
“Work together as a team to find a happy balance”
Talk to each other about what you expect. The most common complaint I see is that couples aren’t clear about what will happen once they retire or don’t have kids in their home. One partner will think it is time to have a new honeymoon phase, while the other partner is looking forward to new hobbies and less pressure. Also, during this time, a couple’s hormones can be completely different. Women who are near menopause or going through menopause may be feeling overwhelmed with hormone changes. Some women at this time experience pain during intercourse as a result of these shifts. This can come right around the same time her partner is hoping to have that new honeymoon phase. Really, couples need to discuss what to expect in this new change and work together as a team to find a happy balance.
7. Shannon Chavez is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist. You can find out more about Dr. Chavez here.
“Explore with openness and intention around pleasure and connection”
My best advice for empty-nesters is to embrace the freedom and explore your sexuality without boundaries. Walk around the house nude, make a sexual bucket list with your partner, try new places in your home to be intimate and erotic, and more than anything have fun. It may take time to adjust to the change but give yourself time. Start slow by having an open conversation with your partner about areas of your sex life that you can renew and work on together such as setting up date nights, planning ahead to include talk about expectations and intentions. Make sure you address your individual sexual health concerns and don’t suffer in silence. There are plenty of resources out there to improve your sexual wellbeing. Make it a priority to take care of you, first. Then address these concerns with a partner. Have an open dialogue including concerns, desires, and fantasies. Ask your partner questions and be curious about their needs too. Remember that sex doesn’t come natural and we have to work on it like any other area of our life. Be patient with yourself and your partner. Explore with openness and intention around pleasure and connection.
Did the advice spark your desire to make your sexual relationship a priority? Leave a comment below and let us know what advice you plan to take!
The advice “remember you are making love to a human” struck a chord in my heart. I have been married for 30 years and we are now empty nesters. Yes, it does give us a lot of freedom but more importantly, we need to remember to love intentionally and let our partner know how much we appreciate them and honor them for who they are and how important they are to us. Giving love means more love comes back to you too!
Parenting is a hard job and can drain the excitement between couples. It’s good to know that there’s a guide for empty nesting couples to rekindle their romance.
Interesting to read and I literally laughed when I came across you can make ton of noise. Can relate to life with kids at home. Glad you are exploring the happiness in empty nest and making the best with your partner. Thanks for sharing.
Age is really just a number—remain playful! This is a really entertaining and informative read. Thank you!
This is key – “having an open conversation” . Thanks for the reminder and your other tips. We’ve never had children – so always an empty nest 🙂
You have to remember the attraction that got yourselves to this point and revisit it often. It is so easy to lose yourself in the role of “mom and dad” that you forget who your are, and were and why you fell in love and became a mom or dad.
O wow I really enjoyed reading this post! I’m not an empty nester but I think making a lot of noise is a really good idea! Now that the kids are gone really let loose experiment and try new things. A healthy self life is very important!
This is a great article for those in this stage in their life.
I loved the part about being able to make noise and be loud. Another point–clothing is optional after the kids move out.
Thanks I am a mother and very busy! This helped me alot!