Myths about men and sex that can harm your relationship

Men always want sex, right? Wrong!  Dr. Sarah Hunter Murray, a relationship therapist and sex researcher shares the findings from her fascinating research in the book Not Always in the Mood:The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships.  Not only are men not always in the mood, but emotional intimacy and wanting to feel desired is important to men as well.

The myths surrounding men and sex are deep rooted and widely held in our society.  We interviewed Dr. Murray to find out which myths are pervasive, why they persist, the damage they can cause to men, women, and couples. Most importantly learn how understanding these myths can strengthen your relationship, especially at midlife.

What did you find to be the biggest misconceptions about men and sexuality?

These narrow stereotypes are a far cry from many men’s true, authentic, sexual experiences

At a social level we tend to think of men’s sexual desire as high, constant, and unwavering. We assume that men are always in the mood for sex, and that they would never turn down a sexual opportunity, because sex is thought to be perpetually at the forefront of men’s minds. We also consider men’s desire as being straight forward and surface level, often thinking that for men sex is mainly physical in nature and turning them on is relatively simple because, well, the assumption is that they are too. However, my research and clinical experience has indicated that these narrow stereotypes are a far cry from many men’s true, authentic, sexual experiences.

Why are these myths so strongly held?

Movies and TV shows regularly depict men as sex-crazed and on a mission to get laid.

These narrow myths about men and sex are so wildly held because it’s really the main (and sometimes it feels like the only) depiction we are exposed to. Radio and music videos are filled with singers and rappers bragging about their insatiable sexual appetites. Movies and TV shows regularly depict men as sex-crazed and on a mission to get laid. In contrast, we are not used to seeing men depicted as having a lower sexual interest, men who turn down a woman’s sexual advances, or even men who like (and perhaps even need) romance and intimacy to have sex.

What damage does this do to men? Especially at midlife?

They wonder what’s “wrong” with them

The notion of what men should experience with regards to their sexual interest is so strong and omnipresent that it can be hard for men to break the mold in their own lives and relationships. According to my research, a lot of men are either feeling like they are playing by rules they don’t want to play by (for example, always saying yes to sex, initiating sex they don’t necessarily want, desiring without feeling desired in return) or if they do deviate from these rules, they tend to feel uncomfortable and even doubt themselves. They wonder what’s “wrong” with them when they aren’t in the mood for sex, or their sex drive isn’t as strong as it used to be, or their wife suggest sex and they find themselves saying no (or at least wanting to say no).

Given that we know that for most of us, sexual desire tends to wane to a degree as we age, men in midlife may find themselves increasingly troubled if they do not meet these narrow stereotypes that tend be more representative of men in early adulthood who are less likely to have families, demanding jobs, financial responsibilities, or health concerns.

How do these myths about men affect women? Especially at midlife?

Surface level sexual cues are only, well, the surface

From my experience women are either frustrated by the stereotypical sex crazed man (they feel isolated from him, frustrated that he always wants sex or can’t read her signs that she just wants romance) or they think that men should fit this stereotype (and are concerned when their husband doesn’t show as much interest in sex as she thinks he should or even turns down her sexual advances).

For women at midlife, the issue that seems to come up even more frequently is that we tend to report feeling more insecure about our changing and aging bodies and thinking that our male partner is no longer as physically attracted to us as he used to be. The underlying assumption here is that men’s desire is so surface level, that they are mainly turned on by young fit bodies with perky breasts and flat tummies. And while men may say that’s true to a degree, the men in my research indicated that not only did they find their female partners sexy at any age, size or after having any number kids – but they also say that surface level sexual cues are only, well, the surface. More often men said that their partner’s confidence and their emotional connection with her is what really turned them on. Unfortunately men said they sometimes felt their wife held back during sex or hid her body because she was feeling self conscious. Almost without fail men in my research said they wished their female partner would share more of herself with him and that her willingness to do so is what really turned him on.

How can these myths wreak havoc in heterosexual relationships?

Men and women are essentially being forced into a game that neither one wants to play

The problem with the traditional idea about men being “sex-crazed” is that men and women are essentially being forced into a game that neither one wants to play. Too many men are learning that in order to “be a real man” (in the most limiting sense of the expression) they need to constantly pursue sex, to say yes to any sex that is available to them, even if they aren’t in the mood and to prioritize sex over other intimate and romantic gestures. And the thing is, most women don’t want to be in a relationship with that man. They want a man who is sensitive, emotionally available, and caring of her needs. What’s fascinating is that the thing I’m hearing loud and clear from men in my research is that this latter description is a more accurate one of who they are and who they want to be. Unfortunately what men are encouraged to be by society and who we want them to be in our romantic relationships are two different things. And so everyone is acting confused, misunderstandings are rampant, and far too many men and women’ sexual relationships are being robbed of the chance to be as close, connected and fulfilling as they could be.

Now that we know the truth about male sexuality, how can we use this to strengthen our relationships?

Take everything you thought you knew about how men and women are supposed to approach sex and throw it out the window

My recommendation? Take everything you thought you knew about how men and women are supposed to approach sex and throw it out the window. We have been socialized to believe some very limited gender roles with regards to how men and women are supposed behave when it comes to sex, and they are doing a real disservice to intimate heterosexual relationships. Only we and our partner get to decide what rules we play by and which ones we want to change. Men are allowed to not be in the mood and women are allowed to want more sex. Women can do the objectifying and men can be objectified. I think turning these norms on their head helps create a balance in heterosexual relationships. It gives space for men to be softer and more emotional and simultaneously allows women space to step up in their sexual agency. My hope is that my book offers a jumping-off point for couples to start a conversation about what myths about men and sex may be negatively playing out in their relationships and what changes couples want to make together to increase their erotic intimacy.

What surprised you the most about men?

Men want to feel desired, sometimes even objectified by their female partner

The thing that I keep hearing is the most surprising part of my research is that men want to feel desired, sometimes even objectified by their female partner. I think this might be the biggest myth of all. Because we regularly see that men chase women and women are chased. Men get ready for a date in five minutes and women spend hours getting “dolled up.” Men wear old boxers to bed, women fancy lacy lingerie. Women’s bodies are used to sell and market products from cars to hamburgers. All of these things just feed into that stereotype that women should be sexualized, looked at and ogled (for better and for worse) and men are the ones who look. But in my research men describe over and over and over! again that feeling sexually desired is the most important part of their own sexual desire. They want to feel adored, doted on, and for their female partner to notice and comment on their physical appearance. But most women don’t realize this so they don’t tend to give those compliments or that attention.

What do you think is most crucial idea for men to understand regarding their sexuality?

I think a lot of men will recognize and identify with this new perspective on men’s desire

I think a lot of men will feel validated and normal about their sexual desire, potentially for the first time. My years of research and clinical experience suggests that there is plenty of variation in men’s sexuality and their desire is much more nuanced and complex than we’ve been acknowledging. Yet this softer, quieter version of men’s sexuality is completely absent from our conversations about men and sex. As a result I think a lot of men will recognize and identify with this new perspective on men’s desire and may even realize their experiences are more common and normal than they might have previously thought.

What do you think is the most crucial idea that you want women to understand about men and sexuality?

They feel closer, safer, and loved

My research and clinical observations suggest that men are a lot more touchy feely than we’ve been recognizing and sometimes men aren’t even sure how to show the softer side of their sexuality. But my findings show that men want to be desired, they want to be vulnerable, they want to be close and connected, and that sex is so much more for them than just physical stimulation. And the most common response I hear from women when they hear about my research is that they feel closer to their partner and sometimes even feel more sexually charged because this information helps them feel like they know their partner better. They feel closer, safer, and loved. And that’s a huge positive for women who are in intimate relationships with men.

Dr. Murray’s groundbreaking research illustrates the complexity of male sexuality.  Clearly men are not always “in the mood” and myths such as these are harmful to men, women, and relationships!

Read more about this here: