An increasing number of colleges are sending students home and going online for the remainder of the semester in an effort to combat the spread of coronavirus (COVID-19). 

This has put college students and families on edge.  As we scramble to figure out the logistics and grapple with the myriad of fears and emotions that a pandemic brings, it is important to be supportive of our college students.  We asked Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a professor and clinical psychologist at Northwestern University, what we can do to help. 

Empathy is key

Dr. Solomon explains that one of the most important things we can do for our college students is “hold space” for them.  In order to do this, it is useful to self-reflect about your own college experiences and the way they ended.  Perhaps you remember a final tearful dinner with friends or an action packed senior week.  At this point, offering empathy is critical.  Avoid the tendency we all have to minimize the circumstances or put a positive spin on the situation.  Saying things like “Well at least you are going to get a diploma” or “At least you are not sick,” should be avoided for now.  Allow your child to voice their disappointment and be empathetic.  While our natural instinct as parents is to protect our children, attempting to minimize their feelings and experiences is not helpful. 

Grief and Shock

Many students are feeling grief, shock and sadness at this point.  These are perfectly normal feelings to experience under the circumstances.  Chances are you are feeling that way as well.  Remember again that an empathetic response is the best approach.  Allow them to feel this without trying to “cheer them up.” There is a long list of disappointing things that they need to process including abroad programs that have been cut short, seasons that have been cancelled, spring break trips that have been put on hold.   It’s perfectly fine to say, “Yes, this really sucks!” 

Logistics

The abrupt college announcements have left families panicked!  Many schools are giving less than 48 hours notice to vacate.  This means that dorm rooms and apartments need to be packed up immediately.  Often students rely on parents to help with this process, and the packing takes place over a longer period of time.  College students may be left to pack up on their own.  Dr. Solomon suggests asking your child if you can offer some support before launching into a long to-do list and barking orders.  If your child is open to it, perhaps suggest sending them a list of things that need to get done with some deadlines.  Chances are they will be receptive towards this type of help.  The last thing a parent wants to do is add to the stress by clashing with your child.  If you are able to and your child agrees, your child may actually appreciate your offer to come and help too. 

Fear and Anxiety

Up until now many students did not have concerns about the coronavirus.  They thought it was like the flu, and chances are they would not become infected.  College students typically feel invincible.  However, when colleges actually cancel, they know that these are unprecedented times.  The seriousness of the situation begins to sink in.  Not only are colleges going online, but the NBA cancelled the season, and events like Coachella are cancelled too.  If your child is prone to anxiety and depression be aware that this may cause flare-ups of symptoms.  Reassure your children that actions like cancelling events and college are being done to help cut down on the spread of coronavirus.  Encourage them to wash their hands and practice social distancing.  Fear and anxiety are normal under the circumstances and should be expected. 

How will online learning work?

Many empty nesters now have a full house once again.  Dr. Solomon recommends having a family meeting to discuss how the online courses will work.  When your child is in college you do not actually know if they are doing homework and attending classes on a daily basis.  You certainly do not want to nag your child, and they definitely do not want to be nagged.  Therefore, discuss how this will look.  Where will they be “attending” their online classes- kitchen, family room, bedroom, etc.  Set expectations and refrain from reverting back to homework duty.  Ask what type of support they may need and make sure they have a quiet place to work.  I’m sure they will appreciate some of their favorite snacks too. 

Discuss wth your student that this may not be a smooth process, especially with classes that are lab or studio based.  Universities are working hard to make sure the transition goes as seamlessly as possible, but there are bound to be issues.  Your child may be concerned about not having office hours or study groups to help, but encourage them to pursue these online as well.  Seniors may be especially concerned about thesis projects that are due and finishing academic requirements in time for graduation.  Encourage them to reach out to their professors, departmental heads and deans.  Hopefully everyone will be trying to be as accommodating as possible.  Remind them to check their college email and online learning platforms often for updates.

Helping others

Often a crisis leads to the best learning opportunities for everyone.  After 9/11 I was incredibly moved and proud to be a New Yorker.  The city came together and helped each other in so many beautiful ways.  Model this for your children.  Encourage them to help friends that may be stuck and unable to return to their homes abroad.  Reach out and offer them a place to stay if you can or have your child check in with them to make sure they are ok.  This can be a particular lonely and scary time for these students as they may have relatives living far away in high risk areas. 

What about our seniors?

I have a senior and this has been a particularly difficult time for so many reasons.  Most college seniors have looked forward to senior spring and the fun events planned leading up to graduation.  While many colleges have yet to determine whether graduations will be cancelled, it is a real possibility. 

Dr. Solomon explains that graduating college is a discontinuous transition.  This means that it is a time when it is hard to imagine what your daily life will even look like three months from now versus today.  This makes the college transition an especially emotional one.  It also marks a major developmental milestone in the path towards independence and adulthood.  In order to help cope with these emotions, humans anchor themselves in traditions that help ease the transitions.  Senior week, the last lecture, and other traditions capped with the fusion of positivity that the actual ceremony and celebration brings, serve as a way to make this transition easier.  However, for the senior class of 2020, this is being taken away from them which can result in ambiguous grief.  Ambiguous grief, a term first used by Pauline Boss, deals with loss that occurs without closure or clear understanding. A graduation without the ceremony would be an example of this, and ambiguous loss is challenging to grieve. 

Before the coronas virus crisis, many seniors were immersed in finding a job after graduation.  However, many companies are placing the recruiting process on hold as they scramble to deal with new economic realities, and take measures to cut down on person to person contact.  This is a great opportunity to be empathetic with your college student once again.  Anxiety is an adaptive response to this situation.  Reassure them that some things can’t be answered now and model self care as a way to combat anxiety.  Encourage them to listen to music, exercise, or whatever they do to destress.  Also consider not having the news on constantly.  Check in for news updates but make sure to find a balance.

Remind your senior that they can find ways to stay connected with friends online.  They are so good at this anyway!  While it may not be the same, remind them that these important friends will stay in their lives.  It is horrible that college may not end the way they wanted, but the story is certainly not ending.  Your college senior will be able to keep these important people in their lives going forward. 

You may find your child romanticizing their college years.  A sense of nostalgia may set in.  You may remember that there were many bumps along the way, but those times have quickly become a distant memory for the college student that has had senior spring taken away from them.  Walking away feels a lot different than having something taken away.  This sense of nostalgia and romanticizing the college years is fine for now. 

Enjoy having your college students back-piles of laundry included 🙂  Although no one expected or wanted this to happen, take advantage of this family time- watch some movies, dust off the board games and talk to each other.  Maybe you can begin to plan meaningful ways to how commemorate graduation if it gets cancelled.

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